GDB: I've got mad PDF skills.
C: It's good to have skills that don't involve your penis, I guess.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Mythical Anti-Unicorn
JF: Do I get an award for this? I feel like I just found the anti-unicorn. ... Like, y'know, a donkey with a dildo up its ass.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Twinsies
GDB: What do you think about having twins?
C: I think twins are awesome! Think about it! You can do experiments with them! "Okay, kids. It's nature vs. nurture time! I'm locking YOU in the closet and I'm giving YOU hugs! GO!"
Apparently this is not how most people think when confronted with the remote possibility of having twins... And for the record, I would never lock any of my children in a closet.
C: I think twins are awesome! Think about it! You can do experiments with them! "Okay, kids. It's nature vs. nurture time! I'm locking YOU in the closet and I'm giving YOU hugs! GO!"
Apparently this is not how most people think when confronted with the remote possibility of having twins... And for the record, I would never lock any of my children in a closet.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Pica
C: Yeah, pica can be an early symptom of internal bleeding - like ulcers, for example. Not that it always means that.
JP: Or maybe the internal bleeding is because you're eating gravel.
JP: Or maybe the internal bleeding is because you're eating gravel.
The spiders are coming
JP: A week ago, I found a spider had built a little tiny nest... in my MAILBOX. Now, there isn't a much worse place for a spider to be since that's a place I generally stick my hand into without even looking.
C: Exactly. ... Well, maybe a vagina would be worse.
JP: No. I have a condom on there, at least.
C: But still, I think that spider ick even on a condom would kill any boner.
JP: On top of it all, wtf is a spider doing in my mailbox? How many OTHER bugs are really crawling through my mailbox that it becomes a good place for a spider?
C: Yeah, I don't like to think about that, because then I start thinking about the giant ecosystem in places like mailboxes that must be hanging out when I'm not looking. Like Toy Story... with too goddamn many legs.
JP: I wonder if I could get sued if a mailbox spider bit my mailman...
C: Exactly. ... Well, maybe a vagina would be worse.
JP: No. I have a condom on there, at least.
C: But still, I think that spider ick even on a condom would kill any boner.
JP: On top of it all, wtf is a spider doing in my mailbox? How many OTHER bugs are really crawling through my mailbox that it becomes a good place for a spider?
C: Yeah, I don't like to think about that, because then I start thinking about the giant ecosystem in places like mailboxes that must be hanging out when I'm not looking. Like Toy Story... with too goddamn many legs.
JP: I wonder if I could get sued if a mailbox spider bit my mailman...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Grocery gangs
M: I make Peapod leave the food on my stoop.
C: They just leave it on your stoop? Aren't you afraid that, left alone, it will be the victim of gang violence?
M: We has gangs! Bloods and Crips!
C: When I was a kid, I thought that Crips was a gang comprised solely of people in wheelchairs. No shit. And they'd be all "Bitch, fuck with me and I'll run over your punkass!" Cuz, you know... that's how they roll.
M: I was more afraid of the NY zodiac killer as a kid than gangs.
C: :(
M: Brb, have delivery of stuffs. Don't want gangs to get my loot.
C: Hide yo eggs! Hide yo bread loaves!
C: They just leave it on your stoop? Aren't you afraid that, left alone, it will be the victim of gang violence?
M: We has gangs! Bloods and Crips!
C: When I was a kid, I thought that Crips was a gang comprised solely of people in wheelchairs. No shit. And they'd be all "Bitch, fuck with me and I'll run over your punkass!" Cuz, you know... that's how they roll.
M: I was more afraid of the NY zodiac killer as a kid than gangs.
C: :(
M: Brb, have delivery of stuffs. Don't want gangs to get my loot.
C: Hide yo eggs! Hide yo bread loaves!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The power of Christ compels you!
GDB: Well, eventually she'll come around and realize that you aren't the AntiChrist.
C: You don't know that!
GDB: Yes, I do. I am sure that as the AntiChrist, you will be able to fool her.
C: You don't know that!
GDB: Yes, I do. I am sure that as the AntiChrist, you will be able to fool her.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Cooking Mama
GDB: Why is it smoky in here?
C: As it turns out, you can burn butter!
GDB: Um, yes... I thought you knew that?
C: Not exactly...
GDB: I thought you knew what you were doing.
C: I do! We're going to say it's blackened fish, okay?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Fast food ineptitude
E: This is the third time I've complained about this particular Wendy's. Is Dave Thomas still alive? I wanna send him a note.
C: I think he died, like, a decade ago, dude.
E: Oh. 2002. Damn.
C: Hey, not bad for a random estimate on my part!
C: I think he died, like, a decade ago, dude.
E: Oh. 2002. Damn.
C: Hey, not bad for a random estimate on my part!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Shhhhhedules
C: That's okay. You UK-ites say "shhhedule." Weirdies.
L: It has no "K" in it!"
C: It has a "ch!"
L: True. Ok, you win. This time.
L: It has no "K" in it!"
C: It has a "ch!"
L: True. Ok, you win. This time.
Monday, January 16, 2012
On Icelanders
L: Icelanders should really stick to what they know best - managing fish. Leave the rest to people in the civilised world.
C: "I am Ragnar, manager of all these dried fish!"
On that note, I would like a business card that says "Fish Manager."
C: "I am Ragnar, manager of all these dried fish!"
On that note, I would like a business card that says "Fish Manager."
Pants?
C: Okay, brb, gotta go find pants (story of my life...)
L: LOL, that's funnier in UK English.
C: My American-ness confuses me now.
L: The pants = not underwear thing always confuses me.
C: OH, I see! See, underwear = underpants are interchangeable here, but never pants. Panties, perhaps. But that's specifically knickers. ... Sort of. We do have something we refer to as "knickers" but it's a specific sort of panty.
L: Knickers = women's pants here.
C: Wait, UK pants, yes? This is more confusing than cookies and biscuits.
L: In the UK pants are plain cotton underwear and little boys also sometimes wear pants.. and some grown men that shouldn't be allowed to exist.
L: LOL, that's funnier in UK English.
C: My American-ness confuses me now.
L: The pants = not underwear thing always confuses me.
C: OH, I see! See, underwear = underpants are interchangeable here, but never pants. Panties, perhaps. But that's specifically knickers. ... Sort of. We do have something we refer to as "knickers" but it's a specific sort of panty.
L: Knickers = women's pants here.
C: Wait, UK pants, yes? This is more confusing than cookies and biscuits.
L: In the UK pants are plain cotton underwear and little boys also sometimes wear pants.. and some grown men that shouldn't be allowed to exist.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Fus Ro Dah, baby
C: M and I are talking about you.
GDB: What did I do that was talk-worthy?
C: She was asking about you. I was bragging about your general awesomeness.
GDB: Admit it. You were bragging about the power of my Thu'um.
GDB: What did I do that was talk-worthy?
C: She was asking about you. I was bragging about your general awesomeness.
GDB: Admit it. You were bragging about the power of my Thu'um.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Office ski trip
L: I'm trying to decide if I want to go on the office ski trip.
C: Ooo! Fun!
L: Yeah. I don't ski, but I do drink and there's a bar.
C: Ooo! Fun!
L: Yeah. I don't ski, but I do drink and there's a bar.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Skyrimming
GDB has just discovered that he has a dinner meeting with his team from work.
GDB: I just feel bad, because you're only here for the week.
C: It's just a few hours. I'll definitely miss you, but when I pass your level in Skyrim, I'll feel fine.
GDB: I just feel bad, because you're only here for the week.
C: It's just a few hours. I'll definitely miss you, but when I pass your level in Skyrim, I'll feel fine.
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