Skills?

GDB:  I've got mad PDF skills.
C:  It's good to have skills that don't involve your penis, I guess.

The Mythical Anti-Unicorn

JF:  Do I get an award for this?  I feel like I just found the anti-unicorn.  ...  Like, y'know, a donkey with a dildo up its ass.

Prophylactics

J:  It's like getting a foot massage wearing steel-toed boots.

Twinsies

GDB:  What do you think about having twins?
C:  I think twins are awesome!  Think about it!  You can do experiments with them!  "Okay, kids.  It's nature vs. nurture time!  I'm locking YOU in the closet and I'm giving YOU hugs!  GO!"

Apparently this is not how most people think when confronted with the remote possibility of having twins...  And for the record, I would never lock any of my children in a closet.

Pica

C:  Yeah, pica can be an early symptom of internal bleeding - like ulcers, for example.  Not that it always means that.
JP:  Or maybe the internal bleeding is because you're eating gravel.

The spiders are coming

JP:  A week ago, I found a spider had built a little tiny nest... in my MAILBOX.  Now, there isn't a much worse place for a spider to be since that's a place I generally stick my hand into without even looking.
C:  Exactly.  ...  Well, maybe a vagina would be worse.
JP:  No.  I have a condom on there, at least.
C:  But still, I think that spider ick even on a condom would kill any boner.
JP:  On top of it all, wtf is a spider doing in my mailbox?  How many OTHER bugs are really crawling through my mailbox that it becomes a good place for a spider?
C:  Yeah, I don't like to think about that, because then I start thinking about the giant ecosystem in places like mailboxes that must be hanging out when I'm not looking.  Like Toy Story... with too goddamn many legs.
JP:  I wonder if I could get sued if a mailbox spider bit my mailman...

Grocery gangs

M:  I make Peapod leave the food on my stoop.
C:  They just leave it on your stoop?  Aren't you afraid that, left alone, it will be the victim of gang violence?
M:  We has gangs!  Bloods and Crips!
C:  When I was a kid, I thought that Crips was a gang comprised solely of people in wheelchairs.  No shit.  And they'd be all "Bitch, fuck with me and I'll run over your punkass!"  Cuz, you know... that's how they roll.
M:  I was more afraid of the NY zodiac killer as a kid than gangs.
C:  :(
M:  Brb, have delivery of stuffs.  Don't want gangs to get my loot.
C:  Hide yo eggs!  Hide yo bread loaves!